Dear You, 

Permission is Granted.  Be Empowered.

Sincerely, 

The Universe 

Once upon a time, there was a man no one knew. 
He was unspeaking.
He was impenetrably strong.
He was scary.   
            and he still is. 

Permission:     /pərˈmiSH(ə)n/,  a noun 

Oxford Dictionary's definition  =  consent; authorization

my definition = an energy commodity with a wide range of costs: a commodity where the cost/benefit ratio creates barriers for action(s) 

What does permission mean to you? 

    Where and/or Who do you get your permission from? 

    How much does it cost you??? 

    Can permission be free? 

Can permission be the investment that yields returns in every aspect of your life? 

Inside everyone is a something.

 A story. A reason. A love. A wish. 

Something special. Something unique. 

What are the barriers between you and your something? 

Can you find permission to:  be afraid, be creative, go against,  be authentic, be without regret, seek answers, and/or embrace your something? 

A Reflection:  

In my opinion, permission is a tricky, ambiguous sorceress reliant upon culture and tenacity for sustenance. It can be respectful and welcoming at times and brutal at others. Sometimes it's both, simultaneously. 

Throughout life, we are taught a variety of "permission" constructs needed to ensure safety, acceptance, and even love.

For example, growing up I learned very early to never talk back to anyone deemed a "grown-up" - period.  Especially not a family member!

At the same time, I was thoroughly encouraged to have my own thoughts and opinions. And keeping those to myself was a necessary, pertinent survival skill reinforced by a strong, iron fist.  

My southern-ish subculture, established by generations past, had rules regarding permissions assumed, granted, and denied based on gender and age-based hierarchies. 

If a family elder said "jump", I didn't ask "how high", I just jumped and hoped that I did it right. Asking a question like "how high" was an invitation for a physical and/or verbal beatdown. Living in my family, you did what you were told -period.

(Side note: Maybe this is why Mr. Fear and I are such good buddies. LOL) 

This permission tightrope is everywhere. Not just my version above. Our entire world alludes to mixed messages on permission(s). Here are some interesting quotes that pop up: 

-   Free men do not ask permission to bear arms - Thomas Jefferson

  - Don't ask permission just ask forgiveness - Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

- Keep calm and always ask for permission - Coined in the U.K.

- Asking permission shows respect and guarantees an interested audience, Jerry Allocca 

-No one can take advantage of you without your permission, Ann Landers

 

Permission(s) can change with time, age, context, and understanding. Yet sometimes it does not change at all.  Our internal drive for connection will always request permission from those we care about.  Our need for care, from birth to adulthood, will always inspire adaptations as we strive for external approval and love. Our culture and environment will always suggest codes of conduct and morals outlining rights/permissions for social structure. Permission keeps us safe. Permission holds us back. 

Now, as a "grown-up", I am still the kid jumping and not asking questions.  The iron fist still scares me and leaves me with feelings of loneliness. The permission I sought for acceptance and for love came at a very high price. I understand it better now but the fear is still alive. It always will be. That's ok.🖏 I have traveled a long, long way with it. And although I still seek permission, my head knows I don't need it.  Someday my body will understand that too. I give myself permission to travel along this journey. To Learn. To Laugh. To Feel. To Move. I hope you do too. If not now, someday soon. 

Some Final Thoughts and Too Many Questions: 

To me, permission is energy. We can function without it or with it. It can move us and it can help us survive. 

The cost is dependent upon our comfort level.

  Our comfort level with fear. 

  Our comfort with being uncomfortable. 

-Does staying inside the bounds of granted permission and looking outward cost nothing????

-Does authenticity mean rejecting our current life??

 -Is self-love worth more or less than someone's approval(s)? 

-Can we be proud without confirmation from others?

 -Does the person/persons we seek approval from have the capacity for approval? 

-Will movement away from the comfort zone increase or decrease your internal worth?

 It may be that there are no clear answers. I certainly don't have any. Maybe my head gets in the way of my spirit for a good reason....or not. 

Maybe answers are discovered by asking questions and listening. 
Feeling and listening. Listening and Feeling. 

Giving yourself permission is complicated. 

Giving yourself permission is a choice. 

Giving yourself permission is difficult. 

Give yourself permission.

You and Your Something are worth it - period. 

Take Permission,

....and go.  

Bi-Lateral Drawing 

......a practice for Re-connection 💓

(not perfection) 

Step 1)    

Hold a marker in each hand  🗹

Step 2)    

Gently bring thumbs together  🗹

Step 3)    

Move those "attached" hands tracking the number 8 in the air 🗹

Step 4)  

Take those movements in step 3, with "attached" hands holding the marker, and draw it on paper 🗹

Up and down, side to side 🗹

No rules 🗹

Breathe  🗹

Feel       🗹

Breathe  🗹

Judge     

So much happens. So many things pulling, pushing, and driving (or even exploding) a wedge between the mind, the body, and the spirit.  Outside things and INSIDE things. All. The.Things.  

Job(s), family, lack of family, relationships, lack of relationships, money, housing, food, pain...

Guilt, shame, fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, depression, BELIEFS, pain...

Sickness, injury, limitations, pain...

Bring it back. 

Bring them back. 

Mind, Body, Spirit. 

The effort is worth it. 

You are worth the effort. 

Of course, there is one more step. However, if steps one through four are enough, be proud. Those are great steps! Enjoy them.  If you want, here is the next step:

Step 5)  

Be as open as you can to: the feeling(s), the acceptance(s), the quietness or noise,

the imperfection(s), and the experience itself. 🗹

What does it feel like? Where does your mind take you? Can you be in the moment? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Why? What does it do/not do for you? 

My experience: 

   

             Being a first-timer at bi-lateral drawing, I had an instant bias that my picture would be "crap".  I heard myself say "this is gonna be crap".  I laughed, inside, because that's what I do when things are funny and/or uncomfortable. I invited my daughter into my space in hopes to ease my own nerves and share this experience.  It seemed simple enough, step one, two, three, and then at step four, my daughter proclaimed, "This is dumb...it looks stupid... I'm done".  I watched her leave and heard myself protest but she is technically a grownup so I could not legally force her to continue.   

            Maybe she was experiencing something similar to myself. Feeling the marker hit the paper and knowing my inta-decision of "this is gonna be crap", created sudden feelings of insecurity and questioning.  My questions were "am I doing it right... is there something wrong with the left marker.... am I having a stroke...what's wrong with my left side".  Once I "called uncle" on my first drawing, I had to try again. I had a need to "get it right" and figure out if my left marker was messed up or if I was messed up.  I learned that my marker was fine and I was not gonna "get this right". There is no "right".

          I had to ask myself why.  Why the feelings, why the need, why my left arm seems weak. Without answers, I tried again. Nope, same outcome.  I again laughed, on the inside, and decided step 6 was where I needed to be.  

Step 6 -only if you wanna)

Look at your creation with an open, non-judgmental mind and see if there's a spot or some area that you would like to color in, make more expressive, and/or have fun with. Also, keep step 5 going at the same time (staying open to all the things). 🗹 

Are there any feelings that come with that area?  What do you think/feel when you look deeper and pick a place? What do you see? 

 

My experience - Step 6 

         Looking at the drawings scattered on my desk and chair, I spied, with my little eye, remembrance. My daughter and the neighborhood kids in this very room full of glitter, beads, glue, and stickers. It was joy and stress wrapped in a beautifully imperfect package.  It was the voice in my head saying "you're not doing this right" and my stomach tightened. It was laughter, smiling, and fear.  

        Back then, and often now, I worry that the heart-felt feelings of joy, goodness, freedom, and fun will lead to pain.  That somehow I will get it wrong even with my best intention(s) in complete focus. I understand and accept that these feelings are felt inside of my body and reinforced by childhood thoughts. I accept that imperfections underneath can inspire beauty above.  I looked at my drawings and saw silly faces.  I looked at my drawing and found hearts. 

To the joy and pain of this journey. 

    I lean in.

     

Look close. See the possibilities. 

They are there if you choose to see them, 

    feel them,

         hear them, 

            acknowledge them.  

Healing in Creativity 

It is exhausting 

being   

outside and inside

of your mind.   

So much noise. 
Memories.
Questions. 
Silence. 

   

A Reflection:  

Is it possible to take a minute, or two, along our journey to stop? To not just see but feel? To breathe? 

For me, living is a cousin of life. A cousin that makes you laugh, cry, and feel secure. A cousin that forces you, if only for a second, to sense that you matter. 

 

Can art be our cousin? Just for a little while? 

Inside ourselves? Outside? 

For me, expressions of art and creativity cannot heal. Art, in every form,  is a declaration of the now with the potential to travel or disappear independently.  However, my definition of healing may be different than yours. In my opinion, art's ability to heal or not heal is reliant upon our personal/internalized conception of healing.  If it's ok, I will encourage you to define healing, embrace it, and carry it with you until a new definition is needed.  

My personal definition - for now. 

Heal  /hēl/

verb

1. to make whole 
2. to return 
3. to go back 
4. to deem it usable again 

 

Life flows in one direction. Movement is constant even when it's wrong and definitely when it's right. Returning seems like an option yet the second time is just that. The second. 

Art is the imprint of a "now", a specific moment with vast or minuscule variances. Art is unable to rewrite or erase perception or experience. Art moves with us. Art can remind our mind of where we have been. Art can soothe, calm, numb, and assist escape. Art can foster a desire for internal understanding and initiate the process of healing. Thus art is a tool of healing but not healing itself. A tool that has to be welcomed without judgment(s) regardless of form.  Art can be a bridge of connection and a fire for useless debris.  Art can be time uncovering buried treasures once guarded by monsters. Art can be time living.

  

My current opinion is that healing is a process to a new path, to new knowledge, to growth. Going backward is not possible. We don't get to return to that moment and do something different. If we choose, we are allowed to learn and create. Healing is the action and art is a tool. Healing begins from within the spirit through the mind.  Art is a means of including the body. Living is to life as art is to healing. Separated they survive, together they are magic. 

 

 

 

 

Working Courage

    Hello Mr. Fear, 

January 23 

  

      

You are everywhere. 
                You are in all places.

                        Outside and Inside,
                        Beneath and Above, 

           Creation and Cessation. 

             

            

Some nights You kept me safe in stillness. 

Some nights You helped me disappear. 

Some nights shrill screams of terror.

All nights confined squalls, laden tears.    

Brick by brick, stone on stone 

You dig, 
You dig,You dig. 
You find bone. 

Is blood red in the dark?  

Desolate weed desperate for rain, 
tattered, castoff 

left. 

January 15

Too everything indeed.

Too all things confirmed.

Risk is barren when slain    

Empty equates pain 

 

You talk to nothing

Nothing calls to You, 

Sing "hitherto, hitherto onto" 

With Love, 

    Courage

An Exercise of Courage

      

 

Reflection

Inspired by the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, the following words are contemplations and considerations regarding this thing called "courage" and how it impacts us subtly and not so subtly. 

Courage, in my opinion, is an individualistic, internalized art reflective of strength. This strength is often difficult to recognize let alone define. It lives on a continuum from survival to outlandish. It manifests itself through both movement and stagnancy. Courage has a best friend, partner, and confidant named Fear. Fear influences courage to be very quiet, move quickly, or brace for pain.  Often fear and courage argue inside us. Loudly. 

For me, the above "poem" and photos of my "art" created my fear to yell and scream.  It said, "that's not even a poem", "what are you doing", "you are going to fail", and "STOP".  Even now fear is rolling its eyes and forcing my fingers to add quotation marks around the words "poem" and "art". My fear, a.k.a. Mr. Fear, wants any readers to know that I do in fact understand how un-artful my art is.

Luckily, there is courage. I like to think that my courage is similar to most and runs in size from small to medium. My courage doesn't always live personified like Mr. Fear. Unlike Mr. Fear, my courage has a high metabolism and needs constant feeding to be viable. Mr. Fear, on the other hand, is ....well, he's chubby. 

Giving courage what it needs is a complex and precarious business. Courage is art. Courage is artful. Courage acknowledges Mr. Fear and works to peek outside of the seemingly safe darkness.  Courage is that state of colorful curiosity that sometimes needs the support of others. Sometimes it needs a change in perspective. Sometimes, for me, courage needs questions. 

Finding out how to feed our courage is no small task. My courage's appetite changes depending on circumstances and goals. Talking to courage can be helpful.  Some of the questions I like to ask my courage are: "What would you regret more?", "What's the worst that can happen?", "What do you want?", "How do you want to live?", "Who do you want to be?", and "What are you doing to get there?". While I don't always get answers, I do receive lots of eye rolls from Mr. Fear which makes the effort worthwhile.  These questions, for me, are an objective pathway to giving Mr. Fear a loud "S.T.F.U". 

Judgment and culture will invariably feed Mr. Fear. Experiences and the need for connection can feed Mr. Fear. Time after time, negative self-talk reinforces Mr. Fear. Mr. Fear lives everywhere.  He thrives in all of our tolerance zones keeping us regulated, agitated, and frozen.  In my opinion, courage is a place on the cusp of dysregulation with its paintbrush, fingers, or toe narrowly grounding 

us with sweet reminders.  Our humanness is good.  We will be o.k. 

"...be compassionate with yourself" - Gabor Mate

 Continuously striving to live authentically.

             Through changes in perspective 
             While acknowledging fear 
             And realizing impermanence

        ❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅

Find Your Silly, 
Find Your Voice,

Find Your Buried Spirit, 

Water Your Soul, 
Grow Your Mind, 
Be Free Be Free, 
Be The Light You Are Meant To Be.